You Know?

I’m not sure what I think about life right now. I’m not sure what love is, or what it looks like, and I’m bothered by abstract statements made in Christianity (Galatians 6:2—What does that mean? What does that look like?). Well, here’s the deal—I don’t doubt the truth of my current convictions; I doubt the worth. What I mean is this: Though not more satisfying, life would be much simpler and much easier if, indeed, it were about me. In order for life to be about me, however, I would need to ignore the truth and fabricate a lie in my mind, because I know life is about love and glorifying God. I know that all that matters is loving God, loving people, and being loved, but I don’t know if I’m ready to accept the consequences.

 

Now, don’t freak out on me; I’ll say that this is most likely a slump, and that I’ll snap back into it in a day or two, if not later today, but I don’t think doubts like this should be ignored. If God is God and the God He says He is, then He’ll come through, and we have nothing to worry about—right? Right.

 

My friend John is too amazing for the world and too amazing to be my friend. Frankly, I don’t know why anyone would want to be my friend. I’m so damn selfish and talk about my problems all the time. If you are my friend, you are probably a good listener, and I am sorry for all the talking about me I have done. (Sidenote: If you haven’t discovered the likes of The Velvet Underground and The MC5 and The Stooges, then discover them. Now.) John is always there and John listens and thinks he doesn’t give good advice but he does. He helps me. But he is doing this thing called The Forge at Pine Cove which is great but I don’t want that to separate us, and I know that is selfish but it is true and if it is true it should not be hidden—(which I need to realize because up about I obviously contradict that statement).

 

Also, when someone says, “I’m praying for you, Hunter,” what the hell does that mean? Does it do anything? What does it mean? Is it just the Christian version of a nostalgic, “I’m thinking about you, Hunter”? I don’t understand people when they say that. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

 

I don’t know. I don’t know about a lot of things. I know a lot of truth but don’t know if I’m willing to follow it. Is that so terrible? Is a moment of doubt so terrible? Is it? I’ll be through it soon. Humor me, will you?

 

You know, do you doubt? I hope you do. I think that if you don’t doubt then you maybe don’t have true faith. I’ll say that and sleep fine tonight. If you don’t doubt then you aren’t struggling with things, wrestling with them. Wrestle. I have plenty of friends who wrestle and it makes them stronger. (These Velvet Underground songs have such fantastic heartbeats, you know?) I’d encourage you to doubt. Go a day without believing in God, and see where you end up. Do it! Is that a terrible thing to say?

 

They say, you know, that things are never as easy as they seem, and I agree with that but I also disagree with that. I think that things are never as easy as they seem, sure, but I think that things (that life in general) is so much simpler! than people make it out to be.  Love is all that matters. Love is abstract and love is bitchy and love is hard and love is dirty and love is difficult and love is all these but love is life and life’s love is all that matters. I believe that. Live now and love now.

 

I believe it.

 

You know I believe it, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

 

You know?