Alone

"Do you know what I mean, when I say I don't want to be alone?"
-Jars of Clay from the song Work


"How many times can my heart break, disillusioned by the thought
of flawless love? Will I ever get there or am I drowning in quicksand with
no relief to come?"
-Natalie Walker from the song Quicksand

I think that we are all looking for the same thing, or thingS maybe, at least we are looking for the same CONCEPT. Maybe there is a huge list of things we desire for and it's just that some people seek some desires more than another person would seek that desire, or maybe every desire is pointing towards the same desire. Despite all that confusion I don't really know, and haven't gotten us anywhere. I believe that we all seek after things that WE WANT, instead of the thing that WE NEED.

So, seeing as I don't know what all of you want who are reading this (if, in fact, people are actually reading this), I will list some things that I want, just off the top of my head:

-love
-people to appreciate me
-sex
-my life to make an impact on people that lasts beyond myself
-a wife, kids
-safety
-money, things (a new car would be nice)
-to be comfortable

Many of the things I just listed are interrelated, and I definitely did not list everything that I want, just a few. I am actually in Barnes and Noble right now writing on my journal and a dude about 12 feet away is looking at the porn section in the magazine area. I think he is looking for the same thing as me.

"When a man knocks on the door of a brothel,
he is looking for God."
-G.K. Chesterton

When all my basic needs are met, like food, shelter, and a degree of consistency and stability, I think this is what I really want: I want somebody who loves me despite my faults, who values me even though my dirty nasty self is exposed; I want somebody who has the same goals as me; I want somebody shares the same passions that I do; I want somebody who will love me even if my head turns into a watermelon like in those Gushers commercials; I want somebody who can give me a two-armed hug when I am down.

If you are reading this you probably think I am a really sappy guy who melts down when he sees a flower, and, although I am more emotional than most guys, it's not that bad.

Think about it: If you have somebody like I described above, who loves you and has all the same goals as you and stuff, I mean, it would enforce everything in your life and stabilize it and you would just feel appreciated. Like maybe it would complete me or something. But that's just some dumb movie line probably. I know marriage is not perfect by any means-look at the divorce rates-but that is what I want when I am honest with myself, and who knows, maybe marriage is this giant illusion that will fade away when I actually grab at it.

When I marry someone, if I marry someone, I don't think it will be nearly as satisfying as I want.

So basically, many days are torture for me, because I am alone, we are alone, and, even in marriage, you are alone. Souls cannot touch on this earth.

Do you know what I mean, when I say I don't want to be alone?

Why Jen?

Honestly, I was going to do this as a church thing and talk about God and be all pretty about everything, but it's not going to be like that. I am going to be as honest and forthright as I can. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in God and Christ's sacrifice, and I love the Lord and His provision, but I have questions and doubts and concerns, and I think we have the right to question God and wrestle with Him and His word. So I shall begin. Where would true progress be without the art of doubt, questioning, and the refashioning of beliefs?

So I guess I'll start with something that troubles me about God. I'll talk about something that not only troubles me but something that I have talked with friends and it discomforts them too, and that is this notion that I know people who aren't Christians who are worlds better than most Christians I know, and by my beliefs they are going to hell. That seems so illogical. I'll give an example, I won't say her real name I'll give her an alias, how about Jen?

So Jen is an amazing person that I know a little bit about, well I know enough bout her to say that she is amazing. Jen is in graduate school and plans to be in the Senate one day, she has an amazing vision of a society in which people seek to maximize the fulfillment and happiness of others, a society in which, perhaps, unity is a possibility rather than an ideal. Jen is very smart and goes to the top state university in the country. But not only is Jen EXTREMELY smart and visionary, she is one of those people who just has a glow about them. You know what I'm talkin about, when you are around these type of people it just makes you happy too, and they are magnetic and jovial and downright superb. Jen is all of the above, I wish I was closer to her in age so I could really get to know her, but the few times I have been around her and talked with her she has been amazing.

But here is the thing, I know Jen well enough that she is not a Christian, she does not have faith in the Bible or God or Christ or that sorta stuff, so, as I said earlier, according to my beliefs, Jen is going to hell, Jen is going to hell. If Jen were to get in a car accident right now, she would go to hell. I hate that, and I don't want to believe it at all, I don't want to believe that my God would send such an amazing person to hell, that gnaws at my soul. Now if you are a good ol' Christian reading this and you have everything figured out, don't patronize me and tell me how I should think or that this doubt I have is immature in my faith, because I know that you cannot earn salvation, and I know that faith alone merits eternal life, but I don't want that to be true, I think many times none of us want that to be true.

So here's the dilemma: Jen does better things for society than me, or you probably who are reading this, and she has a vision for a society that is structured along the lines of many Christian ideals, and she loves people, and she is joyful, and she is going to hell. If my beliefs are true.

I hate that and it is very hard for me to see the justice and love in it.

PS
I have cried, I mean totally WEPT and broken down and just completely emptied my tear ducts over people who aren't Christians, whether I know them personally or not. I mean I have cried over musicians who I love who, as of right now, will not see the kingdom of heaven, so before you post something rash know this is a touchy subject for me.