a=a

Relationships oscillate. They go up and they go down, up and down, and up and down and up and down again. You fight but then you make up and it’s better than before even though you fought, and you always love each other but you fight and those are the low points on the oscillation and you forgive each other and seek forgiveness and that is the turning point from a negative slope to a positive slope. And hopefully the general trajectory of the graph is upwards. That’s how my relationship with God is, and I think that all relationships oscillate to a certain degree, some going up, some going down, and some staying flat, but all of them oscillating. You’re even better than the real thing. When I meet someone awesome, and they blow me away, they’re even better than the real thing, and that rarely happens. Maybe because I don’t let myself get blown away or maybe you aren’t good enough or maybe there aren’t very many people in the world who can blow anyone away. That might be sad but it might be true. When I think of the people who have blown me away, I mean just completely knocked me off my feet, they have had (always, at least in my life) the Holy Spirit. God is awesome, and He always blows me away, so sometimes when He is in a person that person with the Holy Spirit blows me away, but not always.

 

She blows you away. Breathless.

 

You know, you meet that person and they blow you away, and it’s all very exciting at first, and the excitement might carry on for a little bit, but after the initial excitement, and the initial giddiness, comes fear—the fear that the thing inside you (sin, presumably) renders you utterly INSIGNIFICANT. It’s happened in the past, you know, getting hurt and stuff. You got close to someone and they stabbed you with a serrated blade and watched you bleed and laughed at you. I don’t want to feel so different, but I don’t want to be INSIGNIFICANT. First you are so excited that you have met someone and then you are very sad, very scared, and very volatile. It’s a low point, but it’s not the lowest point, that’s to come, it’s just a low point, the initial fear and dread that you are too messed up to be loved. And the feeling continues. It continues. And you feel just like a fool. A fool for a lonesome train. Lord I’m a fool for a lonesome train. Right now you are low and you don’t see too much hope or light, but it’s not an unredeemable low, it’s just a low low. The oscillations might stop here for a bit just to wallow in the low for a little bit. But wait.

 

While low, something happens. It’s both good and bad. You realize, This is bullshit. I f------ hate this low, this pathetic feeling. And you get to feeling rebellious, you know, maybe like there’s a chip on your shoulder, and you see that IF YOU FEAR DYING THAN YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD. So you get angry and you get out of the low, because you are so angry, maybe at yourself or maybe at her, but at any rate IF YOU FEAR DYING THAN YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD. So you escape the low with purging anger.

 

In your anger, you stop just for a second, maybe to look at her or take a second to notice her again. And then she does it. Like she always does. She takes you by surprise which is stupid because you should have expected it. Sweet Sophia, with a fearless disposition like the beat of a drum, you get hurt more than others but you have more fun. She does it all over again. And after she blows your mind you forget the anger, and then you get to know her and something deeper begins to happen because you get past the thirteen-year-old sort of crush thing and you get to one. You get to know her and you see that she is the same as you and different at the same time, very different but very the same. We’re one, but we’re not the same. We get to carry each other. You get close to her and closer and closer and close to her and closer and closer. We’re one, but we’re not the same, we get to carry each other. Carry each other. She blew you away after the anger and then you get closer, past the crush thing and to the gritty, amazing stuff.

 

It’s all going well and swell and then—Miami. Everything is perfect, and then you are scared again, but it is a much deeper fear than before. Miami is the culmination of all fears. You are horrified and you aren’t only horrified but you actually want to run away because things are maybe working out too well. The scary thing is, this isn’t even the lowest point. You’ll get lower, but this is the worst low point, and the lowest is not the worst but the best, and it is coming in a little bit but wait for it because right now things are the worst. You are at this point, you know, where you’re scared, and then you begin to reflect about things, about relationships in your past and stuff like that, you know, and you think about the one who tore you up the most, and who you were in love with for real, and you think, THE TIME THAT I’VE TAKEN, I PRAY IT’S NOT WASTED. HAVE I ALREADY TASTED MY PIECE OF ONE SWEET LOVE? You feel like that, you know, and right here you aren’t even thinking about her, the one right now, but you’re thinking about the girl who hurt you the most and who you loved in the past, and it’s just a time of reflection. You are forgetting: if you fear dying than you’re already dead. But again, even in this time of past reflection, and fear, you get to feeling—it’s not my fault, it’s hers. I’m the same. I’ve always been the same. She’s changed, you know? Things are going bad because of her.

 

Oscillations.

 

And it happens again. You stop just for a second and look at her seriously and the heavens open every time she smiles. You know, you can hear her heart beating from a thousand miles. She’s got a fine sense of humor. Take away my trouble. Take away my grief. She just blew your mind and she’s even better than the real thing, but your mind returns to her—the one who hurt you. But you think of the old girl in light of the new girl—NEAR TO YOU I AM HEALING BUT IT’S TAKING SO LONG, CAUSE THOUGH HE’S GONE AND YOU ARE WONDERFUL IT’S HARD TO MOVE ONE. I’m better near to you. It’s sad but it’s also very happy. It’s both. I’M ENJPYING IT CAUTIOSULY. I’M BATTLE-SCARRED. I’M WORKING OH-SO-HARD TO GET BACK TO WHO I USED TO BE. I only know that I belong where you are. And then you look at her and embrace her being there and think, If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad. Things stop revolving around the girl who hurt you and you start thinking about this new girl, because you know that she is better, because she’s better. Things are good and getting better but, you know, there’s that lingering fear, and so you get scared.

 

You get scared again.

 

WHY’D YOU COME HOME? TO THIS SLEEPLESS TOWN. IT’S THE LIFETIME COMMITMENT RECOVERING THE SATELLITES AND ALL ANYBODY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW IS WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME DOWN? You are up there in the sky and you are scared and somehow you have to reconcile yourself with this new girl, and you have to reconcile the past with the present, and you have to reconcile hurt and pain and loss and love and vulnerability and it all and it is all very, very scary. So you go Colorblind. You are now at your lowest, but just wait there a minute because at your lowest is where you have the most potential. You go Colorblind. The piano is haunting you and the beat of the song is smooth but haunting and very scary. You feel doomed or not doomed but like things might be meaningless. Pull me out from inside. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. I am. I am covered in skin. No-one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am Colorblind. The piano continues but it’s Videotape. It’s a beat still, and it’s still haunting, but there’s something redemptive about it, because things are just the way they are. It’s like how a=a. This is my Videotape. This will all be my Videotape. a=a. YOU ARE MY CENTER WHEN I SPIN AWAY. You are at your lowest, you know, and the piano is still going, but something very beautiful happens and it is the most important movement that has happened so far. It’s still only the piano. You and the piano, you know? It all boils down to you and the piano. TILL I ONLY DWELL IN THEE. You realize that it’s only you and the piano and God. IF I FLEE FROM GREENEST PASTURES, WOULD YOU LEAVE TO LOOK FOR ME? FORFEIT GLORY TO COME AFTER, TILL I ONLY DWELL IN THEE? You realize that it’s only you and the piano and God and you see that it’s all very beautiful and that you don’t need to worry about the girl who hurt you or this new girl or any girl or anything ever. Because all there is is God. All that matters is loving God, loving people, and being loved.

 

That was the beginning, only the beginning. The beginning is the realizing. You know, you realize that it’s only you and God and the music. And then a little beat starts. From a computer. And drums. And some chords. The Moment of Surrender. You have realized it, and now you need to surrender to it. You are listening to the music and seeing God and something is rising deep within you and you are smiling all over and your cells are throwing a party and it’s all very glorious and very wonderful. IT’S NOT IF I BELIEVE IN LOVE BUT IF LOVE BELIEVES IN ME.

 

AT THE MOMENT OF SURRENDER, I FALL ONTO MY KNEES. I DID NOT NOTICE THE PASSERS-BY, AND THEY DID NOT NOTICE ME.

 

You are on your knees, you know, and you are surrendering, you know, and it’s all very wonderful and very beautiful, you know. You are giving it all up to God because that’s all that matters.

 

AT THE MOMENT OF SURRENDER, OF VISION OVER VISIBILITY. I DID NOT NOTICE THE PASSERS-BY, AND THEY DID NOT NOTICE ME.

 

You surrender and that’s it. That’s it. a=a.

 

a=a.

 

Things are just the way they are, you know?

 

And you here it, the music, and it’s reggae, and Bob says, DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING, CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. And you know it is and you believe Bob because you know God and God knows you and loves you all the same.

 

So this is it. THIS IS MY LIFE. ON THE 4TH OF JULY. IT ISN’T MUCH, BUT AT LEAST IT’S MINE.

 

This is my life, folks.

 

Welcome to it. 

Clock Aesthetics

Looking back at my life, to high school and junior high and grade school, to the ups and downs and twists and turns, even in considering my situation now—in college—one of the biggest problems, in my life, seems to be the temporary nature of all things. I’m reading Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung by Lester Bangs right now, and it’s great, and there is an article on Astral Weeks, one of my favorite albums in the world, that is especially beautiful, talking about the depth of the album and its closeness and intimacy with people and love and relationships, all in terms of music and lyrics. It’s a very wonderful thing, Astral Weeks is, music is, but after you put the album into your record player, it ends—

 

because that’s the way music is, and life is, and people are, and relationships are, and movies are, and books are—temporary

 

(clock aesthetics)

            they start

(clock aesthetics)

and stop—

(clock aesthetics)

            and then they are over

 

The only thing that is not temporary is God, and what we do for Him and His glory: loving people and being loved. God solves all the problems in the world, and I’m not saying I understand Him fully, because there are still things that I am wrestling with in my faith, and that’s a good conversation I’d love to have, but I know that, ultimately, every time I question Him, He comes through, because He is God and this is the way things will be with God—everything is going to be all right; that’s just the way it is. And the tricky part about that statement is that it’s not necessarily true here on earth—here is the health-and-wealth gospel: Jesus lived a perfect life, and He got pinned to a tree, so even if you live in perfect obedience, life is going to be hard. And God doesn’t promise the “perfect someone” for you; He doesn’t promise that there will always be food on your plate, that you won’t be tortured, that your children won’t die in a car accident, that you won’t struggle with lust and depression and pride and jealousy and evil thoughts; God doesn’t promise a pretty life here on earth, because it’s just not going to be like that. Life on earth is

(clock aesthetics)

                        temporary

(clock aesthetics)

                                    it stops

(clock aesthetics)

            ends.

 

The band I might be touring with, Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers, has this song, that makes me wish I had lived differently. It’s called “Cradle of Family.”

 

Friends come and go. They are temporary. They are like the wind. Girls come in and tease you and then they are gone. It is romantic for a bit but then they are gone and they just hurt. I’m in college in Iowa and I feel so temporary. I don’t like it. They

           

            are

(clock aesthetics)

                                    gone—

(clock aesthetics)

            so fast.

(clock aesthetics)

 

I miss the cradle of family

I miss the comfort of home

I miss the way that I used to be

More than I miss being alone

 

I miss my family and I love them and I never got to tell them that enough, and family is something that is temporary, too, but something much less temporary than dates or flirts or even friends sometimes. I love you, family.

 

To Cody,

            You were always stronger than me, and braver, and still are that way, and more willing to put yourself out there, and in many ways I look up to you, to the strength and courage you have that I don’t and maybe never will, but I will always be looking to you for that; and I am sorry that I wasn’t closer to you and that I wasn’t always there for you, and I love you and it’s hard for me to verbalize that because you are braver and stronger and more courageous. We are still young and we can be closer. I love you.

 

I miss the comfort of a lover’s bed

I miss the girl that I once knew

And I miss the idea we created in our heads

More than I have ever missed you

 

To Carson,

            Carson, you have the softest heart in our family by far; with you and me, it’s like the difference between Mother Teresa (you) and Jack Bauer (me); you are a servant and love people and I have to yell all the time or something. Eventually all metaphors break down, and that’s the same with this one. I’m getting off track. Carson, I will always admire your kindness—it’s a true, actual, authentic kindness, one that is very rare, not like the Southern artificial sort of kindness, but you have a gift from God. I will always try to mimic and replicate the soft heart you have. Your heart is one of flesh. I love you.

 

To Mother,

            I know I messed up this Mother’s Day, and I am sorry, and I will eat my cold pie even though it doesn’t taste good. I love you and you know it and it’s weird how much we actually talk, and that I actually call you for advice (and you are always right). When I think of all the mothers in the world, and the jobs they’ve done, it seems like I scored the best one or something, and there’s no handbook for motherhood that’s absolutely correct so I’m guessing you got it all from God, and I thank Him so often for you and dad, because—being here in college—I have been able to see how blessed I am to call you my mother. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

 

I can’t believe the secrets that I keep

The scars that you can’t see

Are nothing the like we have unleashed

 

To my Father,

            Dad we are so similar that it is eerie, I think. We have the same mannerisms and people notice it right away. I am very lucky to be similar to such an amazing man. I look like you, but you are sexier; I am very smart like you, but you work a lot harder; I try to love like you, but your love for God and our family is unquenchable and for that I will always thank you, love you, and look up to you. When I have kids some day, I don’t really worry whether or not I’ll be a good father—I know I will because I have you as an example. I love you.

 

I miss the innocence of a purity

I miss the things I never had

I miss the way that I used to be

Before you ever got into my head

 

And now

this post

            is over—

Nobility

Perhaps what most concerns me about many, not all, evangelical churches is the separation I see of the spiritual and the physical, the “eternal”—as they might think of it—and the incarnation. The two are not, in fact, separated at all, or so I am convicted.

 

Another reason I love Hemingway, aside from the fact that he is a very character-based and relationship-based author as opposed to an image-based author, is that he finds nobility in things that most wouldn’t consider noble. In a sense, when read from a Biblical perspective—which is my perspective—Hemingway does not, in any way, separate the “noble” endeavors with the “mundane” endeavors. If he had been a Christian, and I dearly wish he would have been, he would have been the kind of Christian the evangelical church needs right now. In To Have and Have Not, the opening chapter describes several characters swordfishing in the Gulf of Mexico—and it is one of the most beautiful Hemingway passages I have ever read. He puts such strength and beauty and nobility into—fishing. Similarly, in The Sun Also Rises, Hemingway describes with great care the bullfights.

 

What I am saying is that things like fishing can glorify the Father. We don’t always have to have some grand plan for saving peoples’ lives. To be sure, we should build relationships so that we can love other people and hope that God might use us to bring them to Him, but ultimately that is up to God. It is our job to just love and do things to make Him happy. Fishing is spiritual. Writing is spiritual. Teaching is spiritual. Selling software is spiritual. Everything is spiritual. Playing golf, reading, going for a run, buying a banana from the grocery store, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee, going to a concert, riding a bike, going to the bathroom, eating a meal. Everything is spiritual. Why do we have to differentiate? God wants us, I believe, to enjoy Him, and sometimes we think we are just here on a mission or something like that, and that is simply not true. We should see the nobility, like Hemingway does, in fishing and eating and pooping and smiling and working and laughing and all of it.

 

The difficulty lies not in the writing this truth or reading this truth or even in realizing this truth, but the difficulty lies in practicing this truth. Doing it. We don’t read James enough. James is very beautiful, because he says that if you don’t have works your faith is dead. If you don’t have works, where is your faith? Did you ever have it? I think that when we get to heaven the crowd will be much different than we think, perhaps smaller and—gasp!—not all Americans! Oh the horror. White people will probably be the minority. We’ll see, I suppose.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not very good at seeing the nobility in simple things. The truth is, it is very difficult to see how drinking a glass of orange juice can glorify God or is noble, but I believe it is, and I believe that when we enjoy things that are simple it makes them noble and it makes God happy.

 

We should pray that God will give us this ability.

 

I need to go.