Walk On

Well, first of all, I did that to my ear. But anyway . . . 

On a bed of nails she makes me wait. I wrote this blog a few days ago but waited to post it. So here it is:

 

Nights are the hardest for me. At night, my depression sets in at full strength; at night, I feel loneliest; at night, the literal darkness of the world spins and spins into a vortex of something evil, reminding me of so many things.

 

Mornings are different. In the morning, I see the day’s possibilities; in the morning, I see the opportunity for grace and for making things right between me and God, between me and people. Mornings promise something new.

 

This morning I had to take a fairly long walk to drop off an assignment for one of my classes. So, naturally (for me), I put in my iPod. Now, for a little bit of background, I have three playlists that mirror what I believe to be the three stages of mundane life and growing in Christ. First, there is a crisis. Second, there is progress—a sort of putting off the old, shedding your old self and your old ways. And third, there is Zion—redemption, the new city.

 

Crisis:

1.        1) Round Here (Live from New York)—Counting Crows

2.        2) A Murder of one—Counting Crows

3.        3) Recovering the Satellites—Counting Crows

4.        4) Richard Manuel (Live Acoustic)—Counting Crows

5.        5) Oh My God—Jars of Clay

6.        6) Other Side of the World—KT Tunstall

7.        7) Videotape—Radiohead

8.        8) Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of—U2

9.        9) Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own—U2

10.    10) Red Hill Mining Town—U2

11.    11) Moment of Surrender—U2

12.    12) The Scientist—Coldplay

 

Progress:

1.        1) Faster—Rachael Yamagata

2.        2) Sunday Afternoon—Rachael Yamagata

3.        3) I’m Alright—Jars of Clay

4.        4) Amazing Grace—Jars of Clay

5.        5) I Don’t Want You Now—KT Tunstall

6.        6) Another Place To Fall—KT Tunstall

7.        7) Township Rebellion—Rage Against the Machine

8.        8) You’ve Changed—Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

9.        9) Walk On—U2

10.    10) I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For—U2

11.    11) I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight—U2

12.    12) Breathe—U2

 

Zion:

1.        1) Hand—Jars of Clay

2.        2) Unforgetful You—Jars of Clay

3.        3) Take Me Higher—Jars of Clay

4.        4) Three Little Birds—Bob Marley

5.        5) Suddenly I See—KT Tunstall

6.        6) Beautiful Day—U2

7.        7) Where the Streets Have No Name—U2

8.        8) White As Snow—U2

9.        9) Two Hearts Beat As One—U2

10.    10) Come Around—Counting Crows

 

I’ve been listening to these playlists—in order: crisis, progress, Zion—during the last few days and it has brought much understanding of the gospel, of the way I have been saved and the way I am being saved and the way I need to love others.

 

When I was on the walk this morning, listening to the Progress playlist, on the way to drop off my assignment, U2’s beautiful song “Walk On” came up on my iPod. In between two rows of buildings, on a walkway flooded with students moving swiftly from class, a beautiful thing happened.

 

As Bono’s words rung between my ears (“And I know it aches; how your heart it breaks; you can only take so much—walk on”), I looked at all the people in the crowd, the jocks, wearing their sweats and Nike products, the sorority girls, sporting the ever-in-style Uggs and revealing key areas of their orange-because-of-tanning-booths skin, the artsy kids with their brightly colored shoes and tight jeans; I looked at the humongous conglomeration of people and thought to myself: We are still here; despite all of the evil in the world, despite the hunger and war and death and pain and sickness, despite the nuclear warheads we have pointed to each other, despite the countless injustices committed by people and the twistedness of our hearts, we are still here; we are walking on, continuing in life.

 

And in that moment—that moment of the instant, glorious unification of mankind—it occurred to me that we are all beautiful; every person has a story; every person has the potential to serve the one, true, living God—one man is not better than another, nor is one woman more precious than the one behind her. We are beautiful miracles. The way the billions of cells work together in our body to create something capable of love, capable of sacrifice and grace and loyalty and service.

 

We are still here. As humans, we should rejoice in each other; as humans, we are one; we are one because we are Imago Dei, because we are the Lord’s children, because we are all loved. We are all loved. We are all beautiful and we are all loved.

Something Other

I have a class that is a whole class dedicated to syntax, to writing sentences. We recently had an assignment that required us to write the first three sentences of our would-be autobiography using suspensive or periodic syntax, which is basically a fancy way of saying, The end of the sentence is the most important part; or, Until you get to the end of the sentence you won’t understand it.  So, naturally, I did the assignment. I talked about how I was born in Austin (to this day—and I realize I’m only 19 years old—one of the best cities I have ever been to) and how the hospital was called St. David’s hospital; I built a nice set of sentences, but there was something missing. It wasn’t right. I did the assignment but it wasn’t the actual start of my autobiography. But then I did the assignment again. And it produced what will now be the opening sentence of my autobiography:

 

“Though a darkness often surrounds and suffocates my heart, restraining and hindering my spirit, though the ominous cloud of depression hangs over me—hangs over me the way a rain-cloud follows only one character in a cartoon, hounding him from left to right as he tries to escape it—though feelings and thoughts of death often haunt my mind, though I focus much sharper on the evil in man's heart rather than its good, my life has been permeated by something other than that darkness, something other than that evil, something other than that death: grace—scandalous, despicable grace.”

 

As I’ve gotten farther into this life of following Jesus, I have realized several things. Firstly, it can really suck at times. For all of the health-and-wealth gospel preachers out there, What you teach is complete bullshit. Here’s why: If producing fruit and serving God, giving your money to him, gets you earthly wealth—money and riches and Escalades—then what did Jesus do wrong? I mean, Jesus was perfect and he got nailed to a tree. God doesn’t promise an easy life; in fact, I would say the Christian life is much more difficult than life without Christ (in some ways but not in all). There is certainly a large amount of suffering in the Christian life.

 

You know infomercials? Those amazing commercials that go on forever and ever without the real smiley guy or gal explaining how awesome his or her product is? Let’s make one for Christianity, trying to sell you to believe in Jesus:

 

*commercial starts; a man in a power suit sits and reads a Bible at an executive-sized desk covered with books; he puts the book down and makes eye contact with the camera; man has a thick, brown beard*

 

Man with Suit: Howdy there, how’re y’all doin’ tonight?

 

*man’s voice is loud and overbearing; he’s almost shouting*

 

Man with Suit: I know what you’re thinkin’: What could I possibly learn from a man in a suit with a Bible? Well, let me tell ya—A LOT!

 

*man laughs hysterically for roughly ten seconds; then he gathers himself and looks directly at the camera with a straight face*

 

Man with Suit: 2000 years ago lived a man—the Son of Gawd, in fact—and he lived a perfeck life here on this piece’a dirt we call earth. After that, he got nailed ta a tree because he loved you an’ me. He wanted us to be called sons uh Gawd.

 

*man’s voice is still loud and overbearing; a smile begins to form—slowly—on his face*

 

Man with Suit: Because he died we getsta live lifes in service ta him.

 

*man checks his watch and looks at the camera with great distress but then smiles widely*

 

Man with Suit: Uh-oh! My time is runnin out! Before I go let me tell you what YOU—as a follower of Christ—could go through: Peter, one’a Jesus’s disciples, got nailed on a tree, too. Only he got crucified upside down! Stephen, another follower of Christ, had rocks thrown at’im till his head sploded! Paul, who wrote lotsa the New Testament, was always gettin the tar beat outta him and thrown in a jail!

 

*man smiles and awkwardly stares at camera in silence; he then throws open his arms like he is embracing a long-lost loved one*

 

Man with Suit: SO—if you wanna get nailed to a tree, get rocks thrown atcha, get beaten, or go to jail, follow Jesus by calling this toll-free number: 1-800-GET-KILD

 

*screen fades away to the show you were previously watching: The Office*

 

Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I got carried away—but the point is, you shouldn’t expect a life—when following Jesus—that is easy or not filled (completely filled!) with suffering. Our expectations should be such that we will endure painful lives, but these lives glorify our wonderful God who, in the end, saves us from eternal damnation for his name’s sake.

 

Before the infomercial I was talking about the things I have learned in the Christian life. First, we will suffer. Another thing I’ve learned is that the joys of the Christian life far outnumber the pains. It’s amazing to me that I can go almost anywhere in the entire world and have something in common with someone; and not something small or artificial, like that we both skateboard or like the Beatles, but something deep and everlasting—that we worship the same, the one and true God; that we both believe in the death and resurrection of Christ.

 

As you know, I struggle with depression. And every once and a while it gets to a point where it definitely shouldn’t, but when I am close to Christ, when I am daily throwing my baggage onto him, it vanishes almost completely. He alleviates so many of my problems I can’t even begin to explain it.

 

A third thing I have learned is that nothing matters except what Jesus says matters. There are lots of things to do in this world, in this country. There are too many things to do, actually. We are attacked with so many advertisements and new things that say, You won’t be happy until you buy me or experience me; that we often can sin by simply not giving the Lord our time or attention. It’s sad, really; it’s sad how ingrained Satan is to this country but we don’t hardly acknowledge it at all.

 

The most fulfilling things I have done in my life have been things for others. Isn’t that ironic? (The answer is yes.) Grace is the only thing that matters, people. Grace encompasses all others: love, fear, hope, service, loyalty, motivation, desire, peace.

 

God is grace. 

Love Power Peace

I saw the movie Watchmen yesterday. I liked it. Now, it’s gotten a load of bad reviews and fans of the graphic novel are upset. I know all of that. But I don’t care, because I thought it was fantastic. Here’s why.

 

Though Watchmen is a dark movie, though it is bleak and pessimistic, it is spot on in its critique of human nature. We are dark people. There is a part in the movie where Rorschach (interesting character) is talking about the evils of the world—how these evils are not from God but caused by man—by the darkness in man’s heart.

 

We all want to be loved. We all want power over people. We all want peace.

 

It’s dark. But I see almost every movement in my life, in mankind’s history, as a movement to one of these principles: To be loved, To be powerful, To be at peace. We are low. We are dark. We are evil.

 

But that is before grace came into the picture.

 

“Every day I have to find the courage to walk out into the street with arms out; I got a love you cant defeat. Neither down nor out, there’s nothing you have that I need, I can breathe.”

 

And instead of darkness, there is light. Instead of evil, there is good. Instead of power, there is love. Instead of low, there is high. Instead of us, there is Christ.

 

Watchmen is correct about the world if there is no God, no grace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But there is 

Grace

Last Sunday my pastor gave an excellent sermon on Revelation 2:18-29—which is a letter from Christ to the church at Thyatira. In this series of letters, Christ points out what the churches are doing well and what they need to do better.

 

Perhaps my favorite part of this sermon series—of these letters to the churches—has been looking at the introduction Christ gives Himself:

 

Revelation 2:1—“The One who holds the seven stars in His right hand, the One who walks among the seven golden lampstands.”

 

2:8—“The first and the last, who was dead, and has come to life.”

 

2:12—“The One who has the sharp two-edged sword.”

 

2:18—“The Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and His feet are like burnished bronze.”

 

3:1—“He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars.”

 

3:7—“He who is holy, who is true, who has the key of David, who opens and no-one will shut, and who shuts and no-one opens.”

 

3:14—“The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God.”

 

Jesus is quite frightening. He has such an absurdly large amount of power, and yet, somehow, He loves us. Christ’s love, God’s love, the Spirit’s love, is ridiculous, by our standards at least. God’s love is absurd. I’m trying to offend you. God’s love is completely stupid. It’s so dumb (for Him—by our standards). God’s love is dim-witted and mindless.

 

Let me paint you a picture: You are married. If you are a guy, you have a beautiful wife, and if you are a girl you have a wonderful, compassionate husband. The day after you get married, on your honeymoon, your spouse sleeps with someone else, or goes to a strip club, or goes to Vegas and hires ten hookers. What do you do now? Let’s say you forgive them, “It’s okay, honey, I still love you.” The relationship is whole again. You go to bed all happy and full of fuzzies because you have forgiven your spouse.

 

You wake up in the middle of the night and your spouse is gone—uh oh. You call and they don’t answer, but you find out later that they were unfaithful again. It stabs your heart. You get that lumpy sort of feeling in your throat where you think you might cry if you talk. Because it hurts so much that the person you just married is sleeping with other people on your honeymoon.

 

Now, repeat that process every single day. Would you divorce the spouse? My guess is: yes. If my wife sleeps with another dude on my honeymoon—and I’m gonna be honest here—I would most certainly divorce her. And, on the off chance I didn’t, if she slept with another dude right after I forgave her for the first time, I would for sure divorce her. You should get the picture by now. And hopefully you have made the connection.

 

You are the spouse who sleeps with someone different every day. I am that spouse. God is the husband who forgives me every day, even though I hook up with a different girl every day. I screw up big time. I tell God, with my actions, that he can take the back seat for a while, and He forgives me. That’s completely illogical! Look at our standards above! If any man or woman stayed with a spouse who committed adultery every—single—day they would be insane! Are you getting this? It’s so ridiculous! And awesome! And beautiful.

 

How, why does He still love us? I’m not sure it’s our job to figure that out. But I do know it’s our job to bask in His love, and respond to it. With action—showing others, as best we can, His love—grace

 

Hosea 2:19-20—“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know YHWH.”

 

 

Cypress

Normally, if I don’t put up a post in more than a week and half or so, I would say you should be worried about me. But, this month, that is not the case. I am doing fine. Really!

 

Here is what I have been doing—here is what I have been spending my time on instead of blogging (which I would have normally been doing):

 

It’s really hard to write a novel. Like, no joke, it’s hard. I’ve gone through three or four ideas (I even started writing one) but now I think I have found the one. Writing novels is kind of like finding the woman you want to marry, ya know? There are endless possibilities, but when you get to know them you find something that makes them a big no. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh or anything. There are so many girls and there are so many ideas for writing a book, but the girl has to be right for me; she has to be the kind of girl that God wants me to marry, so there can’t be a whole lot out there. Similarly—I’ve probably already lost you—for me to be able to write a novel, I have to be clicking with the idea on so many levels: the voice, themes, language, plot, characters. Endless!

 

All this said, I am well. I am working through my biggest problem with the Lord, and I ask that you would pray for me. Here is my problem: I cannot forgive myself. And I know that that basically means I am prideful (because I’m telling the Lord His sacrifice isn’t good enough for me, essentially), but that’s it. It’s not that I have a sin-saturated life; it’s just that I can’t even forgive myself for the littlest of sins. Judging somebody. Looking at a beautiful girl and thinking the wrong thing. Putting the Counting Crows before God. Or writing. Whatever. I can’t forgive myself. But I’m making progress.

 

I will leave you with this; well, God wants to leave you with this; He is saying this:

 

“It is I who look after you. I am like a luxuriant cypress; from Me comes your fruit.”