a=a

Relationships oscillate. They go up and they go down, up and down, and up and down and up and down again. You fight but then you make up and it’s better than before even though you fought, and you always love each other but you fight and those are the low points on the oscillation and you forgive each other and seek forgiveness and that is the turning point from a negative slope to a positive slope. And hopefully the general trajectory of the graph is upwards. That’s how my relationship with God is, and I think that all relationships oscillate to a certain degree, some going up, some going down, and some staying flat, but all of them oscillating. You’re even better than the real thing. When I meet someone awesome, and they blow me away, they’re even better than the real thing, and that rarely happens. Maybe because I don’t let myself get blown away or maybe you aren’t good enough or maybe there aren’t very many people in the world who can blow anyone away. That might be sad but it might be true. When I think of the people who have blown me away, I mean just completely knocked me off my feet, they have had (always, at least in my life) the Holy Spirit. God is awesome, and He always blows me away, so sometimes when He is in a person that person with the Holy Spirit blows me away, but not always.

 

She blows you away. Breathless.

 

You know, you meet that person and they blow you away, and it’s all very exciting at first, and the excitement might carry on for a little bit, but after the initial excitement, and the initial giddiness, comes fear—the fear that the thing inside you (sin, presumably) renders you utterly INSIGNIFICANT. It’s happened in the past, you know, getting hurt and stuff. You got close to someone and they stabbed you with a serrated blade and watched you bleed and laughed at you. I don’t want to feel so different, but I don’t want to be INSIGNIFICANT. First you are so excited that you have met someone and then you are very sad, very scared, and very volatile. It’s a low point, but it’s not the lowest point, that’s to come, it’s just a low point, the initial fear and dread that you are too messed up to be loved. And the feeling continues. It continues. And you feel just like a fool. A fool for a lonesome train. Lord I’m a fool for a lonesome train. Right now you are low and you don’t see too much hope or light, but it’s not an unredeemable low, it’s just a low low. The oscillations might stop here for a bit just to wallow in the low for a little bit. But wait.

 

While low, something happens. It’s both good and bad. You realize, This is bullshit. I f------ hate this low, this pathetic feeling. And you get to feeling rebellious, you know, maybe like there’s a chip on your shoulder, and you see that IF YOU FEAR DYING THAN YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD. So you get angry and you get out of the low, because you are so angry, maybe at yourself or maybe at her, but at any rate IF YOU FEAR DYING THAN YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD. So you escape the low with purging anger.

 

In your anger, you stop just for a second, maybe to look at her or take a second to notice her again. And then she does it. Like she always does. She takes you by surprise which is stupid because you should have expected it. Sweet Sophia, with a fearless disposition like the beat of a drum, you get hurt more than others but you have more fun. She does it all over again. And after she blows your mind you forget the anger, and then you get to know her and something deeper begins to happen because you get past the thirteen-year-old sort of crush thing and you get to one. You get to know her and you see that she is the same as you and different at the same time, very different but very the same. We’re one, but we’re not the same. We get to carry each other. You get close to her and closer and closer and close to her and closer and closer. We’re one, but we’re not the same, we get to carry each other. Carry each other. She blew you away after the anger and then you get closer, past the crush thing and to the gritty, amazing stuff.

 

It’s all going well and swell and then—Miami. Everything is perfect, and then you are scared again, but it is a much deeper fear than before. Miami is the culmination of all fears. You are horrified and you aren’t only horrified but you actually want to run away because things are maybe working out too well. The scary thing is, this isn’t even the lowest point. You’ll get lower, but this is the worst low point, and the lowest is not the worst but the best, and it is coming in a little bit but wait for it because right now things are the worst. You are at this point, you know, where you’re scared, and then you begin to reflect about things, about relationships in your past and stuff like that, you know, and you think about the one who tore you up the most, and who you were in love with for real, and you think, THE TIME THAT I’VE TAKEN, I PRAY IT’S NOT WASTED. HAVE I ALREADY TASTED MY PIECE OF ONE SWEET LOVE? You feel like that, you know, and right here you aren’t even thinking about her, the one right now, but you’re thinking about the girl who hurt you the most and who you loved in the past, and it’s just a time of reflection. You are forgetting: if you fear dying than you’re already dead. But again, even in this time of past reflection, and fear, you get to feeling—it’s not my fault, it’s hers. I’m the same. I’ve always been the same. She’s changed, you know? Things are going bad because of her.

 

Oscillations.

 

And it happens again. You stop just for a second and look at her seriously and the heavens open every time she smiles. You know, you can hear her heart beating from a thousand miles. She’s got a fine sense of humor. Take away my trouble. Take away my grief. She just blew your mind and she’s even better than the real thing, but your mind returns to her—the one who hurt you. But you think of the old girl in light of the new girl—NEAR TO YOU I AM HEALING BUT IT’S TAKING SO LONG, CAUSE THOUGH HE’S GONE AND YOU ARE WONDERFUL IT’S HARD TO MOVE ONE. I’m better near to you. It’s sad but it’s also very happy. It’s both. I’M ENJPYING IT CAUTIOSULY. I’M BATTLE-SCARRED. I’M WORKING OH-SO-HARD TO GET BACK TO WHO I USED TO BE. I only know that I belong where you are. And then you look at her and embrace her being there and think, If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad. Things stop revolving around the girl who hurt you and you start thinking about this new girl, because you know that she is better, because she’s better. Things are good and getting better but, you know, there’s that lingering fear, and so you get scared.

 

You get scared again.

 

WHY’D YOU COME HOME? TO THIS SLEEPLESS TOWN. IT’S THE LIFETIME COMMITMENT RECOVERING THE SATELLITES AND ALL ANYBODY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW IS WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME DOWN? You are up there in the sky and you are scared and somehow you have to reconcile yourself with this new girl, and you have to reconcile the past with the present, and you have to reconcile hurt and pain and loss and love and vulnerability and it all and it is all very, very scary. So you go Colorblind. You are now at your lowest, but just wait there a minute because at your lowest is where you have the most potential. You go Colorblind. The piano is haunting you and the beat of the song is smooth but haunting and very scary. You feel doomed or not doomed but like things might be meaningless. Pull me out from inside. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. I am. I am covered in skin. No-one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am Colorblind. The piano continues but it’s Videotape. It’s a beat still, and it’s still haunting, but there’s something redemptive about it, because things are just the way they are. It’s like how a=a. This is my Videotape. This will all be my Videotape. a=a. YOU ARE MY CENTER WHEN I SPIN AWAY. You are at your lowest, you know, and the piano is still going, but something very beautiful happens and it is the most important movement that has happened so far. It’s still only the piano. You and the piano, you know? It all boils down to you and the piano. TILL I ONLY DWELL IN THEE. You realize that it’s only you and the piano and God. IF I FLEE FROM GREENEST PASTURES, WOULD YOU LEAVE TO LOOK FOR ME? FORFEIT GLORY TO COME AFTER, TILL I ONLY DWELL IN THEE? You realize that it’s only you and the piano and God and you see that it’s all very beautiful and that you don’t need to worry about the girl who hurt you or this new girl or any girl or anything ever. Because all there is is God. All that matters is loving God, loving people, and being loved.

 

That was the beginning, only the beginning. The beginning is the realizing. You know, you realize that it’s only you and God and the music. And then a little beat starts. From a computer. And drums. And some chords. The Moment of Surrender. You have realized it, and now you need to surrender to it. You are listening to the music and seeing God and something is rising deep within you and you are smiling all over and your cells are throwing a party and it’s all very glorious and very wonderful. IT’S NOT IF I BELIEVE IN LOVE BUT IF LOVE BELIEVES IN ME.

 

AT THE MOMENT OF SURRENDER, I FALL ONTO MY KNEES. I DID NOT NOTICE THE PASSERS-BY, AND THEY DID NOT NOTICE ME.

 

You are on your knees, you know, and you are surrendering, you know, and it’s all very wonderful and very beautiful, you know. You are giving it all up to God because that’s all that matters.

 

AT THE MOMENT OF SURRENDER, OF VISION OVER VISIBILITY. I DID NOT NOTICE THE PASSERS-BY, AND THEY DID NOT NOTICE ME.

 

You surrender and that’s it. That’s it. a=a.

 

a=a.

 

Things are just the way they are, you know?

 

And you here it, the music, and it’s reggae, and Bob says, DON’T WORRY ABOUT A THING, CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. And you know it is and you believe Bob because you know God and God knows you and loves you all the same.

 

So this is it. THIS IS MY LIFE. ON THE 4TH OF JULY. IT ISN’T MUCH, BUT AT LEAST IT’S MINE.

 

This is my life, folks.

 

Welcome to it.