Normally, if I don’t put up a post in more than a week and half or so, I would say you should be worried about me. But, this month, that is not the case. I am doing fine. Really!
Here is what I have been doing—here is what I have been spending my time on instead of blogging (which I would have normally been doing):
It’s really hard to write a novel. Like, no joke, it’s hard. I’ve gone through three or four ideas (I even started writing one) but now I think I have found the one. Writing novels is kind of like finding the woman you want to marry, ya know? There are endless possibilities, but when you get to know them you find something that makes them a big no. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh or anything. There are so many girls and there are so many ideas for writing a book, but the girl has to be right for me; she has to be the kind of girl that God wants me to marry, so there can’t be a whole lot out there. Similarly—I’ve probably already lost you—for me to be able to write a novel, I have to be clicking with the idea on so many levels: the voice, themes, language, plot, characters. Endless!
All this said, I am well. I am working through my biggest problem with the Lord, and I ask that you would pray for me. Here is my problem: I cannot forgive myself. And I know that that basically means I am prideful (because I’m telling the Lord His sacrifice isn’t good enough for me, essentially), but that’s it. It’s not that I have a sin-saturated life; it’s just that I can’t even forgive myself for the littlest of sins. Judging somebody. Looking at a beautiful girl and thinking the wrong thing. Putting the Counting Crows before God. Or writing. Whatever. I can’t forgive myself. But I’m making progress.
I will leave you with this; well, God wants to leave you with this; He is saying this:
“It is I who look after you. I am like a luxuriant cypress; from Me comes your fruit.”
1 comment:
The day you posted this is the same day I read this from Nouwen:
To forgive another person from the heart is an act of liberation. We set that person free from the negative bonds that exist between us. We say, "I no longer hold your offense against you."... We also free ourselves from the burden of being the "offended one." As long as we do not forgive those who have wounded us, we carry them with us, worse, pull them as a heavy load. The great temptation is to cling in anger to our enemies and then define ourselves as being offended and wounded by them. Forgiveness, therefore, liberates not only the other but also ourselves.
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