Storytellers

Testify:

 

Born in Austin, raised in the church, and constantly fed scripture, I was set up to be a beautiful disaster from childhood. I went to a private Christian school in Austin and moved to Dallas in third grade, where I went to another private Christian school. Church was fine—just something to see my friends at again. I took God as seriously as a grade schooler could.

 

In junior high I went to Pine Cove, a Christian camp out in east Texas. I think my spiritual journey started there, the summer before ninth grade (a vital summer). We were water-skiing and I was sitting in the boat watching another kid fall over and over. His frame was slightly heavy, and he moved with awkward pre-high school movements. I sat in the boat and wondered if he would ever get up. After about six or seven tries (which were so far from successful that we all wanted to leave), the boat driver told the kid he had one more shot. Hmm, I thought to myself, I wonder if this kid can actually get up. Being the insecure person I was and am, I had been slightly proud of my doing better than him, but something entered me and I prayed: Dear Lord, please let this kid get up on his skis; I know there is seriously no way he can do it without You. So could You help him out? Ten seconds later the kid was water-skiing.

 

I know that story seems trivial but it’s close to my heart, because that is the first moment I can remember where I honestly knew God was up in the Heavens, and all around my face.

 

I continued to grow in little steps and read my Bible and pray as often as I could spare time for Him. The next significant step I remember happened the summer after my sophomore year: Monterrey, Mexico. I was 15 going on 16. I spent the preceding months pouring over the scriptures. I would literally read the Bible for two or so hours almost every day. It was weird, I know. I haven’t read so much of God’s word since then. I read the Bible so much because our football coach, in a Bible study he had, told us that if we get into the Word a lot before camp or a mission trip or whatever, we will get more out of the trip and have less of a drop-off after the trip’s emotional high. Coach was right.

 

Monterrey was a unique experience. I loved the trip for its mixture of relational and physical activities. Building an orphanage is quite a cool thing to do. Highly recommended, but when you also get to meet the people who will be running it and the people who are putting their lives in its service, it’s a real treat. I continued to dive into God’s word in Mexico, and the fruit of the months before the trip began to ripen. Often during the worship time I would get real emotional and shit. Not that it’s a bad thing; it’s just a hard thing to control, and sometimes (at least for me) it can cloud what’s real and what isn’t, or at least it can make trivial things seem important and vice versa. But despite that, the trip was an amazing success and I learned a lot about myself and my God. And the better part was that it carried over greatly into the school year. My junior year of high school has been one of the best years in my life. I was close to God and it showed in all aspects of my life. At the same time, though, I began to be attacked by the Enemy and the enemy in me. My sin nature. Ever since freshman year I had suffered from mild depression. Little spurts at first, but it began to increase through high school to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and shit like that. The thing is, so many people struggle with depression in the church, and because of our fear of being rejected, we often don’t share struggles like depression.

 

But because of my closeness to the Lord, I was able to evade most of depression’s harmful effects. Here’s what happens when you are close to God: 4.0 GPA, make it to state in football, most joyous times in your life. But this also happens: the Enemy sees an opportunity to cut you down before you grow too close to the Lord, so you might (as I did) endure some of the most painful things in your life.

 

The next summer passed without too much consequence and my senior year looked to be bright and easy. And then a strange (not necessarily bad) thing happened: my family moved to Boston, and I moved in with my aunt and uncle. It was fine, just weird. So football started in early August and I was ready to apply for great colleges and get into all of them and stuff like that.

 

And you have to remember that this all happens after my great junior year. At this point, I was extremely close to God and everything was (for the most part) smooth sailing.

 

And then . . . so many things. For starters, I fell in love. I can honestly say this is the only time I have truly (deeply) been in love. I can also say, to all you people who realize I was only 17 and 18 years old, that it was love inside of me. I know this because I have never in my life thought about myself so little. I was always thinking about her and what made her happy. It was, as love is, a rollercoaster, and eventually it didn’t work out. It hurt a lot, but I could have probably dealt with it if something else hadn’t of happened at the same time.

 

I love playing football. Like you have no idea, well a few people might. I love hitting the shit out of people. It’s so fun. So here’s the picture: we, as a team, had a great junior year, we made it to state and brought back all our starters. I, as a player, had a great junior year, and was ready to win a state championship. And then something unexpected happened. Through the first three games our team was having a great year, and I was having a great year in football, too.  But then, all of a sudden, I tore my ACL and my MCL. Done. No more football . . . ever. Surgery, physical therapy, and months of workouts. Never again would I strap on the pads and buckle my chinstrap. Never again would I see the ball floating into the receiver’s hands before I would dismantle his body from the ground. Some of you might not think it’s a big deal, but it was. When you lose something you have passion for it hurts.

 

So here’s the senior year situation so far: my family moved to Boston, I fell in love but wasn’t loved back, and I tore my ACL and my football dreams were over. Probably the worst four months of my life, even though I have some great memories from them. On top of all this, my depression began to set in, and this time more deeply. After surgery and a couple seeks on painkillers, I hadn’t spoken to God in a while and it all seemed futile: school, relationships, God even.

 

Somehow I didn’t do anything too stupid. I thank God for that. He put great people in my life when I needed them most. I don’t feel like naming people here but I will name some at the end. So December passed in Boston and there was reason that this year would be better than the last. It started great: I got all my college applications in on time and was excited to see which ones I would get accepted to.

 

The months passed, I waited tables, and I waited for the acceptance letters. Sadly, none came. I got rejected from everywhere I had applied in the fall and by now I was just too exhausted to be terribly pissed off. My parents scrambled and we found, according to His plan I am now sure, the University of Iowa. But before I scampered off to college, my life was to be changed forever.

 

After the, excuse my ever-worsening language, extremely shitty senior year, I was headed to Africa with the below-mentioned Bumper, Cici, Papa, and Audra. I have blogged many entries on Africa, and that is because no other event in my life had so drastic of an impact. You have no idea, and I cannot explain it now. I can only point you to the blog entries from June 2008. If you want to know me and the experience I had there, go read those. The realization that so many things in my life are useless luxuries and that 10 pennies can buy a meal is a realization that will stab your side. My heart returns to Africa every day, sailing over the Atlantic into the dusty red paths of Jos. I can’t escape it. It obliterated everything I thought about myself and my faith in God. It brought me closer to God but not in any ordinary way. I will be back in Jos some day, hopefully soon. Africa, and God through it, gave me a heart for totally new things. Poverty was actually a real thing now. Oh damn.

 

So that summer, having been shattered, I tried to regroup for college. It took a while for me to realize the power of Africa and the effects it had, but as I slowly took them in I began to change. A trip to Scotland with my dad helped quite a bit. I gathered myself.  Or actually He gathered me.

 

And then I was off. College-bound! Honestly, college is a really messed up thing. Me and Carol were talking about this the other day. It’s a place where kids go and learn and get drunk at the same time. It’s just so damn weird. But anyway, one time me and Michael my pastor in Iowa City, had a conversation about growing up, more or less. He told me that he knew I had made my faith my own, but that my personhood was not yet my own. I was still a product of a controlled environment, and college was and is the time for me to become the man He wants me to be. It took a few months, but eventually thanks to God and JD I found the groups I was supposed to be with and the friends who were supposed to sharpen me. I did well at school and am still recovering from the many failings of my senior year and the shattering that happened in Africa. Depression was at a minimal

 

It’s so funny how He literally has everything planned out. I found that out hard core in college. I have met amazing and God-fearing people in IC and will continue to do so thanks to His unmerited faithfulness to me.

 

So here I am now: growing closer to God, and “finding myself” as they say in shows like the OC.

 

Thank you to, God has used you to change me: Mom. Dad. Brothers. Aunt and Uncle. Cousins. Bumper. Mountjoy. Chris the worship guy with the tatts. Andy my pastor. Noah. Jeremiah. Caroline my friend. Frances. Caleb. Ellie. Craig AKA Keg and his little brother the fighter. Carley. Holly. Jinx. Audra. JD. Coach Helton and his wonderful wife. Cici. Papa. Rick. MJ you are incredible.

 

Since being in college, the same thanks to you: Michael my pastor and your rock-star family. Josh thanks to you and RUF. Stonewall. Peter Yoda. Jeremy and your wonderful wife. Josie. Professor Folsom. Sunday. Vauhini. J Casteel you are me but smart.

 

There are many more not mentioned. Please don’t be offended if you aren’t on there. If we have talked, ever, you have made a difference in my life.

 

Thank you friends and family. Pray for me and I for you.

 

What’s written is written.

 

Thank you Adonai.