Alone

"Do you know what I mean, when I say I don't want to be alone?"
-Jars of Clay from the song Work


"How many times can my heart break, disillusioned by the thought
of flawless love? Will I ever get there or am I drowning in quicksand with
no relief to come?"
-Natalie Walker from the song Quicksand

I think that we are all looking for the same thing, or thingS maybe, at least we are looking for the same CONCEPT. Maybe there is a huge list of things we desire for and it's just that some people seek some desires more than another person would seek that desire, or maybe every desire is pointing towards the same desire. Despite all that confusion I don't really know, and haven't gotten us anywhere. I believe that we all seek after things that WE WANT, instead of the thing that WE NEED.

So, seeing as I don't know what all of you want who are reading this (if, in fact, people are actually reading this), I will list some things that I want, just off the top of my head:

-love
-people to appreciate me
-sex
-my life to make an impact on people that lasts beyond myself
-a wife, kids
-safety
-money, things (a new car would be nice)
-to be comfortable

Many of the things I just listed are interrelated, and I definitely did not list everything that I want, just a few. I am actually in Barnes and Noble right now writing on my journal and a dude about 12 feet away is looking at the porn section in the magazine area. I think he is looking for the same thing as me.

"When a man knocks on the door of a brothel,
he is looking for God."
-G.K. Chesterton

When all my basic needs are met, like food, shelter, and a degree of consistency and stability, I think this is what I really want: I want somebody who loves me despite my faults, who values me even though my dirty nasty self is exposed; I want somebody who has the same goals as me; I want somebody shares the same passions that I do; I want somebody who will love me even if my head turns into a watermelon like in those Gushers commercials; I want somebody who can give me a two-armed hug when I am down.

If you are reading this you probably think I am a really sappy guy who melts down when he sees a flower, and, although I am more emotional than most guys, it's not that bad.

Think about it: If you have somebody like I described above, who loves you and has all the same goals as you and stuff, I mean, it would enforce everything in your life and stabilize it and you would just feel appreciated. Like maybe it would complete me or something. But that's just some dumb movie line probably. I know marriage is not perfect by any means-look at the divorce rates-but that is what I want when I am honest with myself, and who knows, maybe marriage is this giant illusion that will fade away when I actually grab at it.

When I marry someone, if I marry someone, I don't think it will be nearly as satisfying as I want.

So basically, many days are torture for me, because I am alone, we are alone, and, even in marriage, you are alone. Souls cannot touch on this earth.

Do you know what I mean, when I say I don't want to be alone?